Grief Holiday Guide

Written by Mark and Sheryl Douras

What kind of thoughts did you typically have when you would think of the word “Holiday” before your loved one died?

Family             Decorations                 Busy                Food                Guests
            Travel           Gifts                Shopping                     Music               Memories             Money  Hectic              Traditions                    Baking             Turkey             Crafts
              Worry     Programs        School vacation           Children          Grandma’s recipe

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What are new thoughts or words that come to mind when we say “Holiday”?

Dread               Different                      Alone               Adjustments                Worry
            Now what?                  Tough              Confusion                    Unique             
Escape             Pain                 Avoidance                   Fear                 Lonely                         
            Exhaustion                              Why bother?                Effort


It is time to refocus.

• What is the true meaning of Thanksgiving? Giving thanks for what God has done in our lives and in the lives of others.

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• List what you can be thankful for:

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• What is the true meaning of Christmas?

1. Celebration of Christ’s entrance into the world to fix what sin had destroyed.
   1. Salvation from sin
   2. Ultimate ending of suffering
2. Jesus came to deal with the source of suffering – sin.
   1. We can have a relationship with God
   2. We can experience His comfort, peace, joy, healing through that connection with God.
   3. He took our penalty for sin on himself.
3. The original Christmas gift is God’s Son Jesus.
   1. That is why we celebrate
   2. We each can personally receive this gift – it’s free!
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

What makes the Holidays tough?

• Decorating (exhaustion, memories)
• Change is always hard
• Triggers (music, smells, tastes – holidays magnify the senses)
• Loneliness (empty chair)
• Concern for children/other family members
  • You will need to plan to help them face the changes, too.
  • Confusion of what to do, how to act
  • Unique needs
• Depression (watch out for suicidal thoughts)

  
How to face the Holidays

• Don’t avoid the Holiday
  • Face it. It will hurt. Respect and take care of your emotions
  • Don’t fake it – putting on a mask only keeps others from knowing how to pray for me.
  • Don’t numb the pain (it will come back stronger later if you do)
• Planning helps - It keeps things more manageable and meaningful
  • Make lists
  • Ask, “Do I need it?” “Do I like it?”
  • Creates opportunities for new traditions (different type of decorating, different time of celebration, different location to celebrate, and creating new memories).
  • Give yourself time to adjust – it could take several holidays to adapt to the absence of my loved one.
• Healing comes through relationships
  • Good relationships promote healing
  • Learn to assert yourself – it’s OK to say “No”, it’s OK to have an opinion.
    • Say “Thank you for the thought but I have decided…”
  • You can decline or accept invitations
    • Don’t overdo your social stamina
    • It’s OK to go for just a portion and know when it’s time for you to leave.
  • Don’t fear your tears
    • It may seem uncomfortable but it is part of taking care of yourself.
    • Real friends will be accepting
  • Ask for and receive help from others
  • Be flexible
• Healing comes through your relationship with God (learn to deal with your pain vertically)
  • Keep in prayer
  • Keep in the Word
• Other suggestions
  • Put on cheerful holiday music
  • Attend a musical program at your church/community
  •  Select uplifting radio
  • Open your holiday to a hurting individual
  • Spend time serving at a local mission or shelter
  • Do something in honor of your loved one or do something they would have enjoyed.
  • Give a gift or money in memory of your loved one
  • Watch out for seasonal depression (you may need to give yourself special care during cloudy or gloomy days)
  • Holiday wreath or small tree in honor of your loved one
  • Create a scrapbook
  • Purchase a special Christmas card for your loved one and write a note to them that tells them of you love and your growth in the situation. Put the card on the mantle or hang on your tree.
  • Memory box
    • On slips of paper write all the intangible gifts your loved one gave
    • Place the slips of paper in a decorated box. Keep the box in a handy location and add to it at any time. Allow / encourage others to add to the box if they so desire.
    • Put the box under the tree as a symbol of the memories you created together, and of the gift they are to you.

Figure out how to live, not just survive. Look for the joy.

• Change of perspective. You cannot change what happened but you can change how you react and live.
• Joy happens when you look for it. Memories of the heart lead to a full heart.

Written by Mark and Sheryl Douras, Refreshing Mercies Ministry