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Thanksgiving In Your Grief 2018

11/22/2018

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Written by Mark and Sheryl Douras

Psalm 116:17 offers a loving challenge for us who face loss during Thanksgiving. It says, “To You I shall offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and call upon the name of the Lord.” The interesting thing is that two verses before this verse the author reveals that he probably recently lost his mother.

Here are two thoughts to ponder. One, its ok not to feel grateful. Let’s face it. Your emotions can be all over the place on days like this. Remind yourself that emotions should not run your life. Now ponder this second thought. Expressing gratitude helps you get a grip on reality. The writer of this Psalm chooses to find things to be thankful for and to express it to the right person, God. Expressing thanksgiving to right person sure helps you live in reality. Express your gratitude to those who love you, they need your love. Express it to God, He loves you the most.

Happy Thanksgiving from Refreshing Mercies.

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Grief Holiday Guide

11/10/2018

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Written by Mark and Sheryl Douras

What kind of thoughts did you typically have when you would think of the word “Holiday” before your loved one died?

Family Decorations                 Busy                Food                Guests
            Travel Gifts                Shopping                     Music               Memories             Money Hectic              Traditions                    Baking             Turkey             Crafts
            Worry Programs        School vacation           Children          Grandma’s recipe

What are new thoughts or words that come to mind when we say “Holiday”?

Dread               Different                      Alone               Adjustments                Worry
Now what?                  Tough              Confusion                    Unique
Escape             Pain                 Avoidance                   Fear                 Lonely
Exhaustion                              Why bother?                Effort

It is time to refocus.

What is the true meaning of Thanksgiving? Giving thanks for what God has done in our lives and in the lives of others.

List what you can be thankful for:

_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________

What is the true meaning of Christmas?

Celebration of Christ’s entrance into the world to fix what sin had destroyed.
1. Salvation from sin
2. Ultimate ending of suffering
Jesus came to deal with the source of suffering – sin.
1. We can have a relationship with God
2. We can experience His comfort, peace, joy, healing through that connection with God.
3. He took our penalty for sin on himself.
The original Christmas gift is God’s Son Jesus.
1. That is why we celebrate
2. We each can personally receive this gift – it’s free!

What makes the Holidays tough?

Decorating (exhaustion, memories)
Change is always hard
Triggers (music, smells, tastes – holidays magnify the senses)
Loneliness (empty chair)
Concern for children/other family members
- You will need to plan to help them face the changes, too.
- Confusion of what to do, how to act
- Unique needs
Depression (watch out for suicidal thoughts)

How to face the Holidays

Don’t avoid the Holiday
- Face it. It will hurt. Respect and take care of your emotions
- Don’t fake it – putting on a mask only keeps others from knowing how to pray for me.
- Don’t numb the pain (it will come back stronger later if you do)
Planning helps - It keeps things more manageable and meaningful
- Make lists
- Ask, “Do I need it?” “Do I like it?”
- Creates opportunities for new traditions (different type of decorating, different time of celebration, different location to celebrate, and creating new memories).
- Give yourself time to adjust – it could take several holidays to adapt to the absence of my loved one.
Healing comes through relationships
- Good relationships promote healing
- Learn to assert yourself – it’s OK to say “No”, it’s OK to have an opinion.
  - Say “Thank you for the thought but I have decided…”
- You can decline or accept invitations
  - Don’t overdo your social stamina
  - It’s OK to go for just a portion and know when it’s time for you to leave.
- Don’t fear your tears
  - It may seem uncomfortable but it is part of taking care of yourself.
  - Real friends will be accepting
- Ask for and receive help from others
- Be flexible
Healing comes through your relationship with God (learn to deal with your pain vertically)
- Keep in prayer
- Keep in the Word
Other suggestions
- Put on cheerful holiday music
- Attend a musical program at your church/community
- Select uplifting radio
- Open your holiday to a hurting individual
- Spend time serving at a local mission or shelter
- Do something in honor of your loved one or do something they would have enjoyed.
- Give a gift or money in memory of your loved one
- Watch out for seasonal depression (you may need to give yourself special care during cloudy or gloomy days)
- Holiday wreath or small tree in honor of your loved one
- Create a scrapbook
- Purchase a special Christmas card for your loved one and write a note to them that tells them of you love and your growth in the situation. Put the card on the mantle or hang on your tree.
- Memory box
  - On slips of paper write all the intangible gifts your loved one gave
  - Place the slips of paper in a decorated box. Keep the box in a handy location and add to it at any time. Allow / encourage others to add to the box if they so desire.
  - Put the box under the tree as a symbol of the memories you created together, and of the gift they are to you.

Figure out how to live, not just survive. Look for the joy.

Change of perspective. You cannot change what happened but you can change how you react and live.
Joy happens when you look for it. Memories of the heart lead to a full heart.

Written by Mark and Sheryl Douras, Refreshing Mercies Ministry

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THRIVING DURING THE HOLIDAYS – AND BEYOND

11/5/2018

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The holidays are a lot of things – but they are certainly times that can intensify all that we are feeling and going through. They can be times of joy and togetherness. They can also be times of pain and loneliness. Often they are a combination of both. Believing that God wants us to thrive and not just survive (John 10:10), here are a few tips to consider with Scripture for your healing and insight:

Be honest - It’s OK not to feel OK. It really is! In fact, it’s important to be honest about our emotions - with God and with others. Going through difficult times is both painful and disrupting. So feeling as you do is understandable. At the same time, it’s important to not allow our feelings to completely consume us. (Psalm 73:26)

Draw close to Jesus - He is a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. Pour out your heart to Him (Psalm 62:8). Let Him comfort and walk with you. He knows. He cares. He is your companion. (Psalm 31:7; Psalm 34:18; Isaiah 63:9; 1 Peter 5:7; Hebrews 13:5).

Express yourself through a grief journal - This will help you avoid taking out your negative feelings on others. Using a grief journal will give you insight into your journey during the holidays and beyond. (Job 19:23)

Talk with others - Talk with other bereaved people, or with friends and family members who’ve experienced losses to find out how they get through these special days. (Proverbs 24:6; Proverbs 17:17; 2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

Stay close to supportive people - Don’t isolate, but hang around with people who know you, love you, understand you, and support you. Together, engage in healthy activities. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

Don’t numb your feelings - Numbing emotional distress with chemicals creates more depression and increased problems later on. Make sure your coping mechanism is not illegal, immoral, or harmful for you or others. (Isaiah 55:2; 2 Timothy 2:22)

Do something for others - The best way to stop thinking about yourself is to think about others. It’s amazing what happens to us when we go outside our four walls to love and serve others. (Proverbs 11:17, 25).

Know your limitations - Don’t overextend yourself. Don’t promise more than you can do. Leave yourself some healthy spaces of rest and relaxation. Have an exit strategy when you attend holiday events. (Matthew 14:13a;Mark 6:31)

Plan Ahead. Decide beforehand what you can do and schedule things accordingly. Remember, an invitation is not an obligation. Take time to decide what is best and healthiest for you right now. (Luke 14:28; Proverbs 16:9)

Begin some new traditions - Choose to keep those holiday traditions that are meaningful and enjoyable. Give yourself permission to discard those that are painful or at least put them on hold until a future time. Try new traditions that usher in new meaning and reflect new beginnings. (Isaiah 43:19)

Give yourself permission to feel some joy – Don’t feel guilty about experiencing some joy – even in the midst of your sadness. It is not disrespectful to the loved one you lost. Grief and joy can go hand and hand. (1 Peter 1:6-9)

Look for small moments of joy - We tend to find what we look for. So chose to notice or even create moments that are enjoyable and meaningful to you – special Church service, movie, food. (Romans 15:13)

Establish healthy, realistic expectations - Refuse to compare yourself or your situation with others or the past. Since all relationships have their challenges, make a deliberate choice to see the holidays as a time to draw close to loved ones – and not as a time to fix anything. Focus on your relational bonds and not on family problems. (James 1:19; Proverbs 17:27)

Develop an attitude of thankfulness - Rather than simply focusing on what’s missing or what’s different, why not choose to notice and highlight the many special and positive blessings that you enjoy? As you do, you’ll discover your feelings begin to change as they try to keep up. (Psalm 107:1; Psalm 103:1,2)

Get up and move - Take care of your physical well-being. Healthy foods will give you strength and energy; fattening and sugar-filled foods can worsen your depression. Try to get some exercise which will produce natural stress relievers. (Isaiah 60:1, I Corinthians 10:31)

Get some sunlight and fresh air - Winter can take its toll on your emotions by the loss of sunlight you experience. But being in nature can help compensate for the limited sunlight. God gave us the healing blessing of nature. Continually expose yourself to that gift that He has given you. (Ecclesiastes 11:7)

As difficult as it may be, the holiday season only lasts a short while. And with Christ with us, our Emmanuel, we will not only thrive during the holidays – but beyond as well (Philippians 4:13).

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Helping A Grieving Friend Through The Holidays And Beyond

11/5/2018

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In general, the best way to help those who are grieving during the holidays is to let them know you care. They need to be remembered, and they need to know their loved ones are remembered, too.

Don’t avoid them. – Don’t Allow your discomfort to keep you distant from those who are hurting and grieving.

To do so will rob them of your love and robs you of growing outside of your comfort zone.

2) Don't obsess over saying the right thing – Far too often we don't reach out to people who've experienced loss because we're convinced that wrong words will cause more pain. But not reaching out at all can be equally or even more hurtful. An email, text message, letter, or greeting that acknowledges their loss and asks how they're doing can make all the difference.

3) Keep your gestures simple – Remember, helping is not about you or accolades that you may receive. It is about being the expression of God’s love. Little is much when God is in it.

4) Pray and ask God what simple part you can have in expressing God’s love to them – They may need help with basic household chores or may just need a friend to check up on them. God knows their needs and often uses people like you to bring comfort and encouragement in times of need

5) Don't force someone to enjoy the holidays – Supporting someone who is coping with tragedy or loss during this time of year doesn't mean trying to make them feel full of holiday cheer. Instead, your goal should be to accept whatever holiday experience they want. No Christmas tree for them? Fine. Do they want to skip religious services this year? OK. The best thing you can do is follow your loved one's lead.

6) Cherish the old memories and create new ones – Sweeping statements or talking in broad strokes about someone else's pain probably won't help. What will provide comfort is your willingness to cherish old memories and create new ones with them. Focus on small moments where you can genuinely connect, rather than looking for opportunities to talk them out of their grief.

7) Give them the gift of being present – Words are good. Cards are encouraging. Gifts are appreciated. But what often is needed is someone to just be there. Your calm and unhurried presences helps them live in the moment, to experience reality. It also opens the door for a meaningful listening opportunity. Sometimes grieving people just need to release what is in their hearts to a loving and patient ear. Be present just to listen.

8) Be ready to listen – If they want to talk about the deceased loved one or feelings associated with the loss, LISTEN. Active listening from friends is an important step to helping him or her heal. Don’t worry about being conversational…. just listen.

9) Be supportive – Be supportive of the way the person chooses to handle the holidays. Some may wish to follow traditions; others may choose to change their rituals. Remember, there is no right way or wrong way to handle the holidays, as long as it is not illegal, immoral, or harmful to them or others.
10) Invite the person to attend a religious service with you and your family – It is often hard for a grieving individual to do things alone. A supportive and encouraging friend could be just the thing they need to face the world a little at a time.

11) Never tell someone that they should be “over it” – Instead, give the person hope that, eventually, they will enjoy the holidays again.

12) Remember with them – Remind the person you are thinking of them and the loved one they lost. Cards, phone calls, and visits are great ways to stay in touch. Don’t be afraid to say the loved one’s name.

13) pray for them and with them –
Bring them to the God of all comfort so that they may find grace and mercy to help in their time of need.

14) Remind them of the comfort of God’s Word –
In the multitude of the anxiety within them God’s comfort can delight their soul. Psalm 94:19

Prepared by:
Refreshing Mercies Ministries:
Website - RefreshingMercies.org
Phone - (309) 713-6261

Peoria Rescue Ministries:
Website - PeoriaRescue.org
Phone - (309) 676-6416

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Thanksgiving In Your Grief 2018

Grief Holiday Guide

THRIVING DURING THE HOLIDAYS – AND BEYOND

Helping A Grieving Friend Through The Holidays And Beyond

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Thanksgiving In Your Grief 2018

Grief Holiday Guide

THRIVING DURING THE HOLIDAYS – AND BEYOND

​Helping A Grieving Friend Through The Holidays And Beyond

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Archives

We Would Love to Have You Visit Soon!

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Helping A Grieving Friend Through The Holidays And Beyond